How I Should've Prepared Myself for my Four Little Boys

January 20th, 2011 this oldest of three girls was informed that in a few months her first-born would be a boy! I'm pretty sure the first thing I asked was, "What am I going to do with a boy??" I only know how to play with girls. You know, dress up, Barbies, dolls, play house.... What do boys play with? Dirt? {actually, yes} Someone should've compiled this list for me.

1. Hide sticks and rocks in various nooks and crannies in your home. Or keys into random cracks. You know, so you can figure out all the hiding spots first and know where they'll be. Get ahead of the game.
2. Play a recording of loud yelling/talking/crying all day long. Boys will be loud. My dad's side of the family tends to be extra loud. One of my boys seems to have inherited the "talk-very-loud" gene. Like dude, I get it. You're 3 inches from my face. You don't need to talk that loud.
3. Have someone turn it off at random. Get worried. Yeah. you'll probably find someone drawn all over, or your bedroom completely white from baby powder, or butt cream smeared on the wall. Just to give a few examples. I won't tell you how I got those specific ideas.
4. Hide sandwich crusts in seat cushions/under the seats/smashed in the carpet of your minivan. yes, your minivan. First of all, minivans happen. Second of all, we eat too many meals in our van. Third of all, most kids don't like crusts. You may even look back at your two year old munching on an old crusty crust he found and not know how old it is. Yum.
5. Worry about the color or every drinking vessel given to you. Cry if someone gives you blue instead of green. Heaven forbid you forget which child likes what color.
6. Fill your cupboards with only snacks. Finish your plate. Put it in the sink. Ask mom for a snack..... seems legit.
7. Keep an eye out for big machines. You know, diggers, and things that push dirt all around. My boys know where they all are and always let out an "OOOOOOooooohhhhhhh!" when they see one.
8. Learn their names. "Mommy, silly, that's a backhoe, not an excavator!"
9. Get 100+ matchbox cars and dump them all on the floor. Or legos. Or both. Gives you an extra challenge, right. Obstacle course in your own home!
10. Wait until the very last minute to use the bathroom, but make sure you're blindfolded so you can't find the toilet as easy. It's always going to smell like pee. Just give up on trying. Put the energy into something more constructive. Like eating oreos while brushing your teeth.
11. Clean your toilet just before explosive bodily functions. Happens every time. Without fail. Every. Time.
12. Visit a nudist colony. Might as well. A boy's natural state is naked. I had to explain to my three year old today that he had to wear something in the kiddie pool in case someone was walking down the road.
13. Every time someone releases a bodily function, laugh. Every. Time. One of my boys was no older than seven months when he had his first tooting contest with his brother. He won.
14. Forget to eat until 1 PM. Let's see, it's 1:35 right now. All I've had to eat was the peanut butter I licked off my lips from the kiss my son gave me before nap. You'd think you'd lose weight faster that way, but somehow it doesn't happen like that.
15. When you do eat, make sure to finish within 2.5 minutes. "Hey look, Mom just sat down to eat, I'll poop for 15 minutes, while the baby cries, and you drop something breakable."
16. Learn to share all the best food from your plate. They're like vultures.
17. Bring an audience to the bathroom. No son, I do not need help wiping. Thank you for the one square of toilet paper though.
18. Get a dog and a cat {because it's going to happen eventually} and brush their fur. Disperse said hair all over the house. Run around the house super fast to blow the hair around into even better hiding places to be sure it's literally. Every. Where. Gotta have something to keep me busy. Wouldn't want to get bored.
19. Pee on the sheets the day after you change them. That's why I changed them, right?
20. Try to gently place a 10+ pound fragile sack of flour into a tall garbage can without dropping it. Good luck getting the sleeping baby into his crib if you can't do that.
21. For added practice {you can never be too prepared} try two sacks. One word: Twins.

How should you have prepped?